*Sigh*
I've been debating about writing this. It is very personal and may not be relevant to everyone. So, I almost chose to go through this next chapter of my life silently and without comment. Almost. Then I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. To give my children (and hopefully theirs) a window into who I am and what I think about life and family and faith, etc. Someday, I hope they will read these blog entries and feel connected to who I am. I also hope that anyone who reads what I have to say can relate and will have the assurance that they are not alone out there. In light of that, I am going to bring you all along on a journey with me. Feel free to jump off the train at any time if you're not enjoying the scenery. I won't take it personally.
Let me set the scene for you. I'm sitting on the table in my OBGYN's office waiting for her to come in. I'm nervous. Feeling vulnerable as ever under the little square sheet. Like many women, some of the most dramatic moments of my life, both negative and positive, were played out in a setting such as this. Waiting to hear the verdict in any number of different scenarios. Today I'm feeling particularly apprehensive. I know something is not right. I've know it for a while now. Enter Dr. Patrice Firpo. She is awesome. She is bubbly. She is extremely knowledgeable, honest, direct and caring. She is everything I like my doctor to be. I'm so grateful to have found her. Especially now.
She starts talking and I'm hearing words tossed around. Fibroids, anemia, prolapse, hydrosalpynx, surgery and then THE word I was hoping not to hear. Hysterectomy. My stomach drops and my heart kicks it up a notch and somewhere from deep within me I feel a silent moan surfacing, "Noooooo!" My eyes fill with tears but I breathe deeply and pull it together. I tell myself to suck it up and pay attention. I need to ask questions and get all of the information I can. I have some big decisions to make. In this moment, even though I am not by myself, I feel terribly alone. The decision is mine, no one can make it for me.
I walk out of the exam room a little in shock and somehow changed. Older. Defective. Empty. Must be something about that word. Hysterectomy. I hate that word. Reminds me of the word hysterical. Then I laugh to myself, "Hey, maybe it's not such a bad thing to have a hysteria-ectomy. I could use a little more peace and a little less hysteria in my life, right?" Might as well laugh if you can't cry.
I want my mommy. I want my husband. I want to push the rewind button and hear a different diagnosis. I tell myself, "stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's not cancer, it could be so much worse. People have this done all the time and they are just fine. Think about it...no more periods, ever. No more pain. It'll be an improvement. You'll feel better after the recovery, etc..." I'm trying to see the silver lining, here. It's not really working that well but at least I'm trying. I start praying for strength.
As I emerge, squinting into the grey glare of the rainy day and head toward my car, I'm suddenly hungry. I want a big, juicy burger and a chocolate sundae with extra hot fudge because everything feels better after chocolate, right? But I'm in Kingwood and I don't know my way around and I'm really not in the mood to go exploring right now. I spot a Jason's Deli across the street. Resignedly, I get in the car and head over to eat a healthy lunch telling myself that there will be an opportunity for chocolate later.
I find a table in the farthest corner of the restaurant and open the book I brought with me, hoping to distract myself. I ALWAYS have a book with me or on Nook so that no matter where I am, I won't ever be bored. Today, I am reading the same line in my book over and over and it is not penetrating my cluttered brain. I decide that a restaurant filled with a noisy lunchtime crowd might just be the best place to call David and tell him my news. He is always my rock. My anchor in the storm. I know he will make me feel better. He answers on the second ring and the moment I hear the deep timbre of his voice, I realize my mistake. The emotion of the day is triggered by that familiar voice that I know and love so well and I am overcome. I immediately begin sobbing right in the middle of Jason's Deli all over my Chicken Caesar Wrap. Great. Just great. Yes, I'm going to need plenty of chocolate for this one. Jumbo Godiva Dark chocolate. Nothing less will do. Add to that the sweet grace and mercy of God and the loving arms of my husband. If I have all of that, I can do this thing. Let the journey begin...
~To be continued~
Blessings,
~Cat
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Who Do You Think You're Talking To?
**WARNING: I"M MAD...This post contains passionate language that may make you uncomfortable. If it does, good. That means it is probably meant for you. Most of you will agree with me and will feel as strongly about this issue as I do. If so, then obviously this post is not directed at you.**
I saw something today that completely pushed me over the edge. I have officially, completely reached my capacity for patience when it comes to observing the way some people out there talk (and I'm using the term 'talk' loosely here) to their children. If you are one of the people I have seen out and about screaming at, demeaning, cursing out, belittling, or otherwise abusing your children publicly (I shudder to think what you do in private) then this is for you...
There is absolutely NO excuse for your behavior. None whatsoever. Zero. Zip. I don't care what excuse you make, I will not accept it. Go ahead and try me. I can counter you excuse for excuse. In fact, here are a few I've heard that hold absolutely no weight with me: (To clarify: I'm not talking about normal, run of the mill fussing at your kids or having the occasional inevitable melt down, we all do that. I'm talking about chronic verbal and physical abuse and dismissive and demeaning interactions that demoralize children).
Really? You sure about that? If you learned to repeat the behavior of your parents who treated you badly then I would call that a less than stellar outcome. Ask yourself: How did I feel when my parents called me names or didn't listen to me or screamed at me in front of other people or hit me instead of talking to me? Was that okay with you? If so, keep on doing what you're doing. You're continuing a legacy, after all. If that's what you want to pass along down through future generations I suppose that's your prerogative. Only problem is, it doesn't just affect you and yours. It trickles into the lives of everyone around you. It contaminates our society and our ability to communicate productively and peacefully. Your kids learn to speak disrespectfully from you and they learn intolerance from you and they learn to demean others from you and then they go out into the world and spread it around. Then it affects my kids. I guess you think that's "just fine." Well, a lot of us don't happen to agree with you. I'll just speak for myself, here...It is NOT fine with me.
I saw something today that completely pushed me over the edge. I have officially, completely reached my capacity for patience when it comes to observing the way some people out there talk (and I'm using the term 'talk' loosely here) to their children. If you are one of the people I have seen out and about screaming at, demeaning, cursing out, belittling, or otherwise abusing your children publicly (I shudder to think what you do in private) then this is for you...
There is absolutely NO excuse for your behavior. None whatsoever. Zero. Zip. I don't care what excuse you make, I will not accept it. Go ahead and try me. I can counter you excuse for excuse. In fact, here are a few I've heard that hold absolutely no weight with me: (To clarify: I'm not talking about normal, run of the mill fussing at your kids or having the occasional inevitable melt down, we all do that. I'm talking about chronic verbal and physical abuse and dismissive and demeaning interactions that demoralize children).
- The "My parents did it to me and I turned out just fine" excuse.
Really? You sure about that? If you learned to repeat the behavior of your parents who treated you badly then I would call that a less than stellar outcome. Ask yourself: How did I feel when my parents called me names or didn't listen to me or screamed at me in front of other people or hit me instead of talking to me? Was that okay with you? If so, keep on doing what you're doing. You're continuing a legacy, after all. If that's what you want to pass along down through future generations I suppose that's your prerogative. Only problem is, it doesn't just affect you and yours. It trickles into the lives of everyone around you. It contaminates our society and our ability to communicate productively and peacefully. Your kids learn to speak disrespectfully from you and they learn intolerance from you and they learn to demean others from you and then they go out into the world and spread it around. Then it affects my kids. I guess you think that's "just fine." Well, a lot of us don't happen to agree with you. I'll just speak for myself, here...It is NOT fine with me.
- The "I don't know any better way" excuse.
Good for you for at least acknowledging that you have a problem but that's just not going to cut it. I have heard this excuse come out of the mouths of many a person. It never ceases to baffle me that someone would be aware that they are hurting their kids because they don't have healthy parenting skills and yet do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it. Buy a book. Take a class. Ask a friend or mentor for help. Watch a video on YouTube, for crying out loud. Oh, wait...I can hear it now..."I can't afford books." Really? Go to the library. "I don't have time, I'm a single mom." "I'm a busy stay home mom. I have too much on my plate." Poor you...Boo flippin' hoo. How about you make the time. Make it a priority. Give up something. Make an INVESTMENT of your money, time, resources, etc. to become a better parent if it does not come naturally to you. Saying that you don't know of a better way just means that you haven't made the effort to educate yourself because obviously it is not that important to you. There is a better way. Figure it out. Your children are depending on you. So is the rest of the world, by the way.
- The "It's their fault for getting on my nerves or behaving badly" excuse.
No question. Our children will challenge us, test us, try us and make us temporarily insane from time to time. That's what kids DO. I won't lie...there are moments when I lose my temper and get frustrated and raise my voice at my kids. Everyone does. It just goes with the territory. The question is, who is in control? If you constantly find yourself losing control, then there's your answer. I tried an experiment once and started whispering at my kids while they were in the middle of an argument. They all stopped talking in order to hear what I was saying. Kids get immune to yelling. They tune it out. Let's face it...yelling is not that effective and usually doesn't do much good. There are other approaches that do. The point is that kids behave badly and get on your nerves because they are kids and they don't know better. As parents, we are supposed to set limits and create an environment of learning so that they will learn to control themselves and become responsible little people. Children emulate and model their behavior after their parents. How will they ever learn control from you if you are out of control yourself? Think about it.
And just who do you think you are talking to, anyway? You want to know who you are treating like that? Never mind that they are your kids. Just who are they? Only the future. Just the people you and I will be depending on to sustain us and our world as we grow older. They are only future policy makers and physicians and scientists and skilled laborers who will build the roads and bridges and airplanes and automobiles that carry us around. Potential food growers and world leaders. It's not like they matter or anything, right? Who cares if they have low self esteem and feel like they are no good or stupid or aren't worth bothering with? Seriously...get a clue!
I could go on and on here but I'm not going to. I think you get the point. I get so heated about this because I was raised in a physically and verbally abusive environment. I have every excuse in the world to be a lousy parent but guess what? I'm a good mom because I CHOOSE to be. I'm not perfect by anyone's standards but I'm doing everything in my power to break off the generational curse of abuse, neglect and selfishness that is prevalent in my family history. I choose to make a difference every day because I know it matters so much. Because I love my children so much, I don't just want them to be happy, I want them to be better as a parent than I am. To make better choices than I have. And to pass it down. That is the legacy I want to leave behind.
It's all about perspective. Children are a gift, not a liability or a burden. It's all about how you look at it. As soon as you decided to have children, life ceased being ALL ABOUT YOU. You are not just 'you' anymore. Raising your children is the most important thing you will ever do. Don't take it lightly. You will have to make sacrifices. You will have to give things up. You will have to put some things on the shelf for a while. Your life will be taken over completely. Get used to it. Better still, embrace the opportunity to put yourself aside and focus on someone else's needs for a change. It'll be good for you. It's good for all of us to focus on others instead of ourselves. Your children will almost always be a reflection of you. I hope you like what you see in them. If not, I implore you now to make the tough changes you need to make in order to be the best parent you can be.
You may be asking yourself "what is in it for me?" Simply...love. The unconditional, beautiful, pure kind that only comes from the beautiful hearts of your children. They are full of it. They want to pour it out for you if you would just be willing to receive it and return it in the same spirit with which it is offered. Just like the love of God, it is offered freely and it is up to you whether you choose to accept it and embrace it or scorn and reject it. There are long lasting and powerful consequences to either choice. I recommend you choose wisely.
You may be thinking I should mind my own business. I'll just toss that right back to you. Mind your business so that I (and everyone else around you) won't end up having to mind it for you someday in numerous ways. If you don't like my tone, that's unfortunate. Kids are serious business to me. Anyway, it's just my opinion. Worth what you paid for it.
**end of rant**
Blessings,
Cat
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
What Are You Waiting For?
I know I've been a slacker lately in the blogging department. I'll be honest with you. I've been a slacker in a few other departments, too. Of course like any other self respecting slacker, I have what I feel are pretty reasonable excuses for my slackishness. Hey, cool...I think I just invented another new word. :0)
A month or so ago, while I was babysitting my friends' one-year-old baby, I picked him up and turned to lift him up and flared up a back injury that really took me out of the game for a couple of weeks. Finding any position that was comfortable was difficult and sitting at my computer typing was just not working for me. I worked on my book some and sort of let the blog sit on the back burner. Also, I have been struggling with fatigue and tiring easily for quite some time. As many of you regular readers already know I am a bit of a procrastinator and because of this, I really shot myself in the foot by not following up on a medical exam back in July. I had an ultrasound and some blood work done and because of my busy schedule and difficulty scheduling an appointment, I put off calling the Dr. office back until my symptoms got to be too much. Had I done so, I would have known BACK IN JULY that I am anemic. Duh!! Good to know. I'm taking iron and hopefully will be my old energetic self very soon! I also learned that I will have to have a surgery in May to take care of some issues that I have been dealing with. Though I'm not looking forward to the procedure and recovery, I'll be glad to have some issues resolved. Please keep me in your prayers.
After finally resolving these issues I came to the realization that there is a recurring question in my life that keeps popping up. "What are you waiting for?" I find myself doing a lot of waiting for things (or people) to line up just right instead of moving ahead and getting things accomplished or addressed as I should. Anyone else dealing with this? I've seen a lot of others in my life sort of stuck in the same holding pattern. Waiting. Putting things off. Waiting for others to move first. Why do we do this? In my case it is for a couple of reasons....
First of all...in all fairness, I have been super busy with kids, homework, cheer leading practices, singing a lot at church this past month, etc. My hubby has been working crazy long hours so he's not home as much as we would all like. Add to that a sore back and anemic lack of energy. I have pushed a lot of things to the side and have sort of been operating in 'survival mode' lately. Kids are happy, healthy, and doing great in school and the house is reasonably clean so I guess that is good enough for now. I guess you could say I've been doing the best I can with the cards I was dealt but in the back of my mind, I'm kicking myself for not going to the doctor sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?
Enough with the excuses, already. I am going to make myself accountable to all of you right now and say that I am resolving to do better at getting things done more efficiently. I know I can do some things to optimize my effectiveness. In order to do this, I will have to do something that is inherently foreign to my nature. Yes, that's right...I'm going to have to become more....(dare I even say this detestable word) STRUCTURED. *Shudder* This has always been a challenge for me. I am most in my element when I am in the creative process. Working within a framework or structure or plan is not my forte. Still, I see that I need to just suck it up and get more organized and become a better planner. If any of you have any advice or wisdom for me in this area, I would love to hear your suggestions. The irony is that I am great at motivating and organizing others. Just have a hard time applying it to my own life. I'm eagerly awaiting your suggestions in this area!
Here's some good news that is sort of related to the topic of waiting....
Some of you know that I have been serving in the choir and then the worship team for about 5 years at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX. I have been given an opportunity to sing a duet with a dear friend this weekend during the offering. God is so faithful. Please be praying for me. I'm also getting over a cough and scratchy throat which is affecting my voice. I'm believing that God will use us to touch some hearts and that more than anything, we will be a reflection of God's love and mercy. I'm beyond humbled and super excited.
If you would like to tune in and watch, here's the link: http://www.lakewood.cc/pages/watchonline.aspx
Service times are: Saturday, March 3, at 7pm and Sunday, March 4 at 8:30 am and 11:00 am, Central time.
So glad you stopped by...
Blessings,
~Cat
A month or so ago, while I was babysitting my friends' one-year-old baby, I picked him up and turned to lift him up and flared up a back injury that really took me out of the game for a couple of weeks. Finding any position that was comfortable was difficult and sitting at my computer typing was just not working for me. I worked on my book some and sort of let the blog sit on the back burner. Also, I have been struggling with fatigue and tiring easily for quite some time. As many of you regular readers already know I am a bit of a procrastinator and because of this, I really shot myself in the foot by not following up on a medical exam back in July. I had an ultrasound and some blood work done and because of my busy schedule and difficulty scheduling an appointment, I put off calling the Dr. office back until my symptoms got to be too much. Had I done so, I would have known BACK IN JULY that I am anemic. Duh!! Good to know. I'm taking iron and hopefully will be my old energetic self very soon! I also learned that I will have to have a surgery in May to take care of some issues that I have been dealing with. Though I'm not looking forward to the procedure and recovery, I'll be glad to have some issues resolved. Please keep me in your prayers.
After finally resolving these issues I came to the realization that there is a recurring question in my life that keeps popping up. "What are you waiting for?" I find myself doing a lot of waiting for things (or people) to line up just right instead of moving ahead and getting things accomplished or addressed as I should. Anyone else dealing with this? I've seen a lot of others in my life sort of stuck in the same holding pattern. Waiting. Putting things off. Waiting for others to move first. Why do we do this? In my case it is for a couple of reasons....
First of all...in all fairness, I have been super busy with kids, homework, cheer leading practices, singing a lot at church this past month, etc. My hubby has been working crazy long hours so he's not home as much as we would all like. Add to that a sore back and anemic lack of energy. I have pushed a lot of things to the side and have sort of been operating in 'survival mode' lately. Kids are happy, healthy, and doing great in school and the house is reasonably clean so I guess that is good enough for now. I guess you could say I've been doing the best I can with the cards I was dealt but in the back of my mind, I'm kicking myself for not going to the doctor sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?
Enough with the excuses, already. I am going to make myself accountable to all of you right now and say that I am resolving to do better at getting things done more efficiently. I know I can do some things to optimize my effectiveness. In order to do this, I will have to do something that is inherently foreign to my nature. Yes, that's right...I'm going to have to become more....(dare I even say this detestable word) STRUCTURED. *Shudder* This has always been a challenge for me. I am most in my element when I am in the creative process. Working within a framework or structure or plan is not my forte. Still, I see that I need to just suck it up and get more organized and become a better planner. If any of you have any advice or wisdom for me in this area, I would love to hear your suggestions. The irony is that I am great at motivating and organizing others. Just have a hard time applying it to my own life. I'm eagerly awaiting your suggestions in this area!
Here's some good news that is sort of related to the topic of waiting....
Some of you know that I have been serving in the choir and then the worship team for about 5 years at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX. I have been given an opportunity to sing a duet with a dear friend this weekend during the offering. God is so faithful. Please be praying for me. I'm also getting over a cough and scratchy throat which is affecting my voice. I'm believing that God will use us to touch some hearts and that more than anything, we will be a reflection of God's love and mercy. I'm beyond humbled and super excited.
If you would like to tune in and watch, here's the link: http://www.lakewood.cc/pages/watchonline.aspx
Service times are: Saturday, March 3, at 7pm and Sunday, March 4 at 8:30 am and 11:00 am, Central time.
So glad you stopped by...
Blessings,
~Cat
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Pick On Somebody Your Own Size....
I know I've said this before but it bears repeating. I am not qualified in any way whatsoever to offer wisdom, counsel or advice about anything of importance. Of course, as usual, that won't stop me from doing it anyway. Since this is my blog and is really just an outlet for the expression of my opinions, I will take the liberty of weighing in on a subject that is heavy on my heart right now. Bullying.
Today is National Stop Bullying Day. I guess it's cool that they gave it an official day. I'm not all that convinced that observing a designated day will do much to stop bullying but I suppose anything that opens up dialogue about the subject is a step in the right direction. Come to think of it, opening up dialogue is pretty much the best answer for most problems. As long as it's respectful and there is the expectancy of resolution and there is active listening going on, that is...Otherwise it's just a lot of wasted time and oxygen.
So, what is bullying, really? Being beat up? Ganged up on? Someone being mean to you? Being put down or insulted? Having malicious unfounded rumors started about you? What behavior on our part earns the distinction of being labeled 'bullying'? Here's the definition:
bullying (present participle of bul·ly) Verb: Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.
Today is National Stop Bullying Day. I guess it's cool that they gave it an official day. I'm not all that convinced that observing a designated day will do much to stop bullying but I suppose anything that opens up dialogue about the subject is a step in the right direction. Come to think of it, opening up dialogue is pretty much the best answer for most problems. As long as it's respectful and there is the expectancy of resolution and there is active listening going on, that is...Otherwise it's just a lot of wasted time and oxygen.
So, what is bullying, really? Being beat up? Ganged up on? Someone being mean to you? Being put down or insulted? Having malicious unfounded rumors started about you? What behavior on our part earns the distinction of being labeled 'bullying'? Here's the definition:
bullying (present participle of bul·ly) Verb: Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.
Interesting. It makes me wonder if we use the word a little too much. Or maybe not enough. Or maybe the definition is not expansive enough. Let's face it...at some time or another we've all been intimidated into doing things or feeling things that we didn't want to by someone who was bigger or stronger than we are. If we're honest, we ourselves may have been bullies in the lives of others at one time or another. This is not a new phenomenon. I mean, by the definition above, my parents were major bullies. By that definition we, as a country are bullies, aren't we? There are even religious bullies. Bullies are those who will do anything to get the upper hand. To set themselves up in a place of power or to further their own agenda. Intimidate and belittle and hold the feelings of others hostage for their own gain. And it's not just that children and certain groups are being bullied. I would say that it permeates every area of our lives. Everyone's lives. Why is that, do you think?
I think the answer is quite simple. Let's call it what it really is. It is a festering symptom of the disease that is the breakdown of civility and respect in our society. That and (dare I use the actual words): Moral decay and self indulgence. Look around you. Intolerance and impatience and arrogance are so often the order of the day. There is an absence of humility and servitude. People seem to have turned the golden rule from 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' into 'do unto others before they get a chance to do unto you first.' It makes me so sad. It makes me angry, too. Makes me want to do something about it. But what?
My experience is that most people who bully do so out of a place of insecurity and a lack of self worth. That and just plain ignorance. Why are they insecure and ignorant? (Look out...here it comes:) Because that's what their parents are teaching them to be! The solution is this. If every parent made a commitment to teach their children to love and respect themselves and others and to put God first, things would turn around. See how smart I am? Problem solved. My work is done here. Now I can sit back and just enjoy the....Uh oh...wait a minute...Shoot. I just thought of something. Who is going to teach the parents how to love and respect themselves and put God first? There's the rub. Somebody dropped the ball along the way and those lessons have been left out of the lives of so many. I wish I knew why. Too bad life doesn't come with a rewind button, huh?
So, I'm left with what small part I can play in being part of the solution. I have to be vigilant and steadfast in the raising of my children. To have a heart for God. To be a good example. To practice what I preach. To remind myself every day that life and death are in the power of the tongue. To sow seeds of encouragement into as many lives as I can for as long as the Lord wills me to be on the planet. To have a spirit of willingness to be vocal and persistent in sharing the word of God regardless of what anyone may think or say. To take aim at injustice with courage and determination and to leave a legacy of love, faith and tolerance for my children to carry into future generations. Sounds like a daunting task. Seems kind of like taking on a giant, doesn't it? Hmmm...sounds familiar.
I'm hopeful. After all, Goliath was a (really) big bully. David was a vigilant and steadfast little guy. He had a heart for God, a spirit of willingness and wicked good aim.
Obviously, Goliath would have done better to pick on somebody his own size.
"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." Titus 2:11-14
Blessings,
~Cat
So, I'm left with what small part I can play in being part of the solution. I have to be vigilant and steadfast in the raising of my children. To have a heart for God. To be a good example. To practice what I preach. To remind myself every day that life and death are in the power of the tongue. To sow seeds of encouragement into as many lives as I can for as long as the Lord wills me to be on the planet. To have a spirit of willingness to be vocal and persistent in sharing the word of God regardless of what anyone may think or say. To take aim at injustice with courage and determination and to leave a legacy of love, faith and tolerance for my children to carry into future generations. Sounds like a daunting task. Seems kind of like taking on a giant, doesn't it? Hmmm...sounds familiar.
I'm hopeful. After all, Goliath was a (really) big bully. David was a vigilant and steadfast little guy. He had a heart for God, a spirit of willingness and wicked good aim.
Obviously, Goliath would have done better to pick on somebody his own size.
"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." Titus 2:11-14
Blessings,
~Cat
Thursday, February 2, 2012
So, You Think I'm Different...
I'm different. I know that. I realize that some people aren't sure exactly how to take me. I wear my feelings on the outside and love people openly and am not afraid to say it. There's not much of a gate between my brain and my mouth which gets me into trouble sometimes. I desire to interact with everyone I meet and I like to get to know people right away. Even strangers. A good way to sum me up might be: 'Ready or not...here I come." I just genuinely love people. (Most of them). I love to laugh and find humor in everyday moments. My sense of humor is pretty eclectic and because I don't mind being the butt of the joke, I occasionally get carried away and forget sometimes that other people do mind. When I make mistakes, I usually do it up big for all the world to see. I feel terrible when I accidentally hurt someone's feelings. I have a very hard time when others around me are in conflict, especially if it is with me. I love to laugh and I hate emotional disharmony of any kind. I'm a seeker of peace. I am a full on, live and love out loud kind of a girl. I know who I am. I am a girl after God's own heart.
Different is not a bad word. People may say things like "There's something about her...she's just different." That might make some people feel self-conscious. I wear difference like a badge of honor. I want to be different. I am called to be different. Besides, being more conscious of self may not be such a bad thing anyway. Why do I say I'm called to be different? Because of this:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~Romans 12:2
And this:
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. ~Matthew 5:14-16
Different is not a bad word. People may say things like "There's something about her...she's just different." That might make some people feel self-conscious. I wear difference like a badge of honor. I want to be different. I am called to be different. Besides, being more conscious of self may not be such a bad thing anyway. Why do I say I'm called to be different? Because of this:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~Romans 12:2
And this:
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. ~Matthew 5:14-16
We are called to be a reflection of the love of God. To draw others closer to Him; not by hammering away at those around us with our judgments and beliefs but by projecting the love of Jesus. We are to lead by example. That means being okay with showing love to everyone we come in contact with. (Yes, even the unlovable ones). It means admitting our mistakes with humility and asking forgiveness openly when required. It means being willing to reveal our imperfections and more importantly, embracing the imperfections of others. It means being able to laugh at ourselves when we are at our most vulnerable because we are secure in the fact that we are loved by the Father no matter what. Jesus saw to it that we are blameless in the eyes of God. What a gift. Knowing what I know about grace and mercy, it's no surprise that I feel different.
The world spins crazily around me and sometimes seems so out of control. I can't let that bother me. Jesus at the center of my life gives me my equilibrium. His love and mercy steady me and give me balance. His salvation gives me a solid rock to stand on. His protection is a fortress around me. His vigilance is the guardian in the watchtower of my life. If God be for me, who dare be against me? Does that make me stand out or seem different? Good. That means I must be doing it right.
Blessings,
~Cat
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Don't Beat Yourself Up
Somebody else wants a crack at you first. Haha. Just kidding. Sort of.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. First, I messed up my back and was laid up for about a week. As a busy mom with three kids, there are no words that make you laugh more hysterically than: 'You need to put your feet up and rest.' Yeah, right. The day the Dr. told me this, my husband had a meeting that ran late and he didn't make it home until around 10pm. Totally not his fault but of course there was no way of obeying Dr's orders at that point. I remember the Dr. saying "Can't you call your mom or a sister or other family member to come help you out?" I teared up as I told her that, like so many others, I'm a transplant with no family or support system around. Mom is gone and everyone lives too far away and is way too busy for me to ask them to come help for something so minor. I'd rather save up a trip from the grandparents for something fun. I know this is pretty common in this day and age but that doesn't make it any easier.
So I laid around and did nothing (didn't even feel like blogging) and watched in horror as things started piling up. Christmas decorations still had not been put away. Laundry everywhere. You get the picture. You would think having an excuse to do nothing would be kind of fun. Didn't turn out that way for me, unfortunately, because I spent most of the time beating myself up for being a useless lump on a log who was being a major inconvenience to my very busy hubby and was slacking off in the motherhood department as well. I beat up on myself. Why did I do that?
Enter the two biggest troublemakers in my life. You may know them, they go by the names Guilt and Condemnation. They are always lurking in the background of my life waiting to pounce when I'm at my weakest. They are crafty little buggers and they are subtle. Sometimes I never even detect their presence until they've infiltrated the breach of insecurity in my defenses and I allow myself to believe their lies and take on shame. They create a web of damage that takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching (and soaking the shoulders of loving friends) to untangle myself from. Has this happened to you, too? I'll bet so. Guilt and Condemnation are equal opportunity destroyers.
Pile on top of that a situation where I was forced to make a difficult decision involving one of my kids and found myself feeling thoroughly misunderstood, as I was judged and found lacking by another parent who was quite vocal in their disappointment and disapproval of my decision and frankly, of me in general. This was particularly painful because it was someone I really like and for whom I had a lot of respect.
Being that I was already on board at that time with the fact that I was a useless lump on a log, I stood there and took a verbal lashing because I felt I actually had made some mistakes and besides, Guilt and Condemnation already had me on my knees and I must have felt I deserved it somehow. I regret that. I wish I had a do-over. I wish I had not felt the need to explain myself and justify my decisions regarding my child to another person. I wish I had had it in me to just politely say "I acknowledge your concerns and am sorry you are upset but am going to handle this matter privately which is my right." I hardly ever say things like that. I always think of clever and brave things to say after it's too late. I'm lousy at confrontations and other people's anger and disappointment really immobilizes me. It's a by-product of an abusive upbringing that doesn't serve me very well. With God's grace and infinite mercy, I'm making progress. I'll never be okay with confrontations but at least this time I felt there was some resolution and I have learned to love myself enough to walk away with my dignity and self respect intact regardless of the outcome.
Many of you will read this and identify with me. Many of you will not. That's fine with me because something I am learning (at this late stage of the game) is that we are all different with varying talents and ambitions, desires, dreams and goals. We all have our own baggage and issues and whatnot. There is no way we will all agree on everything. We will not always be able to relate to one another. We will say things we shouldn't and do things to offend each other without meaning to. We will try to impose our own values on others who won't understand where we are coming from. We will screw things up royally from time to time. There will be people who don't like us for the simple reason that, well..they just don't like us. We need to be okay with that.
And that is where my dearest friends, Compassion and Forgiveness come into play. Compassion and Forgiveness can come in like a flood and kick the business end of Guilt and Condemnation right back to the vile place they came from. Here's the most important part of the lesson: Don't expect or need to receive Compassion and Forgiveness from others. If you do receive it, great. Just don't set yourself up for disappointment. Instead ask it of Jesus, the one who never fails to extend His love. It works every time, guaranteed. While you're at it, offer yourself the same loving gift. Stop beating yourself up. Put the bat down, wrap your arms around yourself and hug it out. You are loved and don't you forget it. I'll try not to, either. I know you'll be here to remind me if I need you to. Thanks for being such loyal readers and remember that I'm praying for all of you as I hope you are praying for me. Have a great weekend, everyone.
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. ~ Romans 8:1
Blessings,
~Cat
I've had a rough couple of weeks. First, I messed up my back and was laid up for about a week. As a busy mom with three kids, there are no words that make you laugh more hysterically than: 'You need to put your feet up and rest.' Yeah, right. The day the Dr. told me this, my husband had a meeting that ran late and he didn't make it home until around 10pm. Totally not his fault but of course there was no way of obeying Dr's orders at that point. I remember the Dr. saying "Can't you call your mom or a sister or other family member to come help you out?" I teared up as I told her that, like so many others, I'm a transplant with no family or support system around. Mom is gone and everyone lives too far away and is way too busy for me to ask them to come help for something so minor. I'd rather save up a trip from the grandparents for something fun. I know this is pretty common in this day and age but that doesn't make it any easier.
So I laid around and did nothing (didn't even feel like blogging) and watched in horror as things started piling up. Christmas decorations still had not been put away. Laundry everywhere. You get the picture. You would think having an excuse to do nothing would be kind of fun. Didn't turn out that way for me, unfortunately, because I spent most of the time beating myself up for being a useless lump on a log who was being a major inconvenience to my very busy hubby and was slacking off in the motherhood department as well. I beat up on myself. Why did I do that?
Enter the two biggest troublemakers in my life. You may know them, they go by the names Guilt and Condemnation. They are always lurking in the background of my life waiting to pounce when I'm at my weakest. They are crafty little buggers and they are subtle. Sometimes I never even detect their presence until they've infiltrated the breach of insecurity in my defenses and I allow myself to believe their lies and take on shame. They create a web of damage that takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching (and soaking the shoulders of loving friends) to untangle myself from. Has this happened to you, too? I'll bet so. Guilt and Condemnation are equal opportunity destroyers.
Pile on top of that a situation where I was forced to make a difficult decision involving one of my kids and found myself feeling thoroughly misunderstood, as I was judged and found lacking by another parent who was quite vocal in their disappointment and disapproval of my decision and frankly, of me in general. This was particularly painful because it was someone I really like and for whom I had a lot of respect.
Being that I was already on board at that time with the fact that I was a useless lump on a log, I stood there and took a verbal lashing because I felt I actually had made some mistakes and besides, Guilt and Condemnation already had me on my knees and I must have felt I deserved it somehow. I regret that. I wish I had a do-over. I wish I had not felt the need to explain myself and justify my decisions regarding my child to another person. I wish I had had it in me to just politely say "I acknowledge your concerns and am sorry you are upset but am going to handle this matter privately which is my right." I hardly ever say things like that. I always think of clever and brave things to say after it's too late. I'm lousy at confrontations and other people's anger and disappointment really immobilizes me. It's a by-product of an abusive upbringing that doesn't serve me very well. With God's grace and infinite mercy, I'm making progress. I'll never be okay with confrontations but at least this time I felt there was some resolution and I have learned to love myself enough to walk away with my dignity and self respect intact regardless of the outcome.
Many of you will read this and identify with me. Many of you will not. That's fine with me because something I am learning (at this late stage of the game) is that we are all different with varying talents and ambitions, desires, dreams and goals. We all have our own baggage and issues and whatnot. There is no way we will all agree on everything. We will not always be able to relate to one another. We will say things we shouldn't and do things to offend each other without meaning to. We will try to impose our own values on others who won't understand where we are coming from. We will screw things up royally from time to time. There will be people who don't like us for the simple reason that, well..they just don't like us. We need to be okay with that.
And that is where my dearest friends, Compassion and Forgiveness come into play. Compassion and Forgiveness can come in like a flood and kick the business end of Guilt and Condemnation right back to the vile place they came from. Here's the most important part of the lesson: Don't expect or need to receive Compassion and Forgiveness from others. If you do receive it, great. Just don't set yourself up for disappointment. Instead ask it of Jesus, the one who never fails to extend His love. It works every time, guaranteed. While you're at it, offer yourself the same loving gift. Stop beating yourself up. Put the bat down, wrap your arms around yourself and hug it out. You are loved and don't you forget it. I'll try not to, either. I know you'll be here to remind me if I need you to. Thanks for being such loyal readers and remember that I'm praying for all of you as I hope you are praying for me. Have a great weekend, everyone.
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. ~ Romans 8:1
Blessings,
~Cat
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