In the following days, I resigned myself to the idea that it was time for my extraneous uterus to be relegated to the same great beyond as where my stone-filled gallbladder and one damaged Fallopian tube have already gone. Reminded me a little of old an Chevy truck, losing a part here or a screw there but chugging along happily nevertheless. While on this train of thought I was reminded of the NASA spacecrafts which use up their valuable components and then jettison them as soon as they become redundant in order to complete their important mission. I've settled on the rocket analogy, as it seems to fit a bit better with my psyche than comparing myself to an old Chevy truck. Once again...I digress.
Though I decided to come to terms with the whole idea of this surgery, let me let you all in on a little secret. I spent a few days mourning my uterus. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But I did. I cried and grieved and I still may not be done yet. There is just something so final about having your uterus removed that is just hard to explain rationally to anyone who is not in this situation. I know I don't want to have any more kids. Funny thing is that my intellect is totally on board with the necessity of this journey. My heart, however, is still back at the station trying to decide whether or not to buy the ticket.
As someone who went through seven years of infertility I spent many a day, month after month, year after year cursing the inability and ineffectiveness of my 'lady parts' for not being able to get the job done. Conversely, after two successful IVF cycles, one of which resulted in twins which I carried for 35 weeks and had without a C-section, I was joyfully praising the same parts I had been cursing before. Lots of conflicting emotions circle around the issue (no pun intended) of my female anatomy. Three beautiful children and the fulfillment of a life-long dream later, this hysterectomy feels kind of like the end of an era. I guess I've never been very good at endings. Beginnings are just more fun, aren't they?
In the last day or so, I've turned a corner in this process. The date of my surgery has been scheduled (May 9th) and I know what's coming. Having a hysterectomy and prolapse surgery (don't ask) is not going to be fun. It will be painful and I will need to take it easy and nurture myself through the recovery process. I will have to allow others to help me and that is not always easy for me. Though I am dreading the procedure itself, I am beginning to look forward to the outcome. I am seeing a silver lining in my stormy sky. My sweet husband is taking 10 days off of work to take care of me. We will have time alone together while the kids are at school. My in-laws are coming to help out with the kids the second week and they are all so excited to see their grandparents. I will be free of the health problems that have been pestering me for the last two years. See? All good things.
As I've been praying about this situation, God has repeated the same message to me in numerous ways and I am believing and trusting what He says. That I will be stronger than I've ever been in the months and years to come. That I will be in better physical, emotional and spiritual health. That my best days are in front of me and that I will continue to be blessed as He uses me and my life to be a blessing in the lives of others. My job is to surrender to the process and trust in His goodness and mercy. I've invited Him to 'get a grip' on me and never let me go. He holds me now and always and I am going to rest in that. I'm standing on His promises and I really like the view from here. In fact, if I squint a little, I think I can see chocolate on the horizon!
Please take a moment to watch this video of a couple of songs that I was so honored to be able to sing with David and Nicole Binion when they were visiting Lakewood Church last month. These songs have been speaking to my spirit and give me such hope. They are the anthem of my life during this season and have really blessed me as I hope they bless you.